Adopted

Last night as I was walking Micaiah and singing to her, I got a vision of when I was adopted. In the beginning I didn't much understand my new Fther. He was so big and foreign. I didn't understand His language or customs. I really didn't want to have anything to do with Him. But He wanted everything to do with me. How could a stranger love me like this? How could He put up with my whining and crying and selfish attitude? In fact, up until that point, that was all He really knew of me. But for some reason, my Father saw through my rotten behavior and loved me. He not only loved me, but He left His home, His world and came to mine to get me. And He paid a price that I must insist was way too high for a whiny little brat like me. I don't know how He did it... but looking at Micaiah... I'm beginning to understand a little.

Caleb takes Bailey for a walk... Bailey takes Caleb for a ride

This was just plain fun!

It's time...

Micaiah is coming home in just 2 weeks.
We will pick her up on the 10th and be home by the 14th of September - just in time for her first birthday on the 17th.

The Stranger

The other day, before heading up to Chicago to visit my dad and mom, I picked up the audio version of Albert Camus, "The Stranger." I didn't know anything about it except that it was supposed to be a fairly influential book by an author who I had heard of. According to the introduction, it was (and is) the literary work that captured perfectly the existentialism and nihilism of it's day and was proclaimed by Jean-Paul Sartre to be the book of that philosophical idealogy. "The Stranger" follows an overly simple man through some fairly exraordinary events; the death of his mother, romance, manipulative relationships, violent fights, murder and a trial to follow. All along the way his emotional responses and decisions fail to even scratch the surface of what any normal human being would experience. He makes decisions based on expedience, instant comfort and cold logic - often times to his own long-term detriment. Ironically, it is his simplicity that makes him so complex and profound. Toward the end of the book he encounters a priest who is concerned and bothered by his predicament and disbelief in God. The character is so at peace with his rotten life (reasoning that it is his and can't be avoided or altered) that he is confused to the point of anger with a priest who could not come to some resolution with his own God concerning the fate of some stranger. It seemed the one with peace was upset and the one whose life was being upset had peace. As I thought about the character, his lifeview began to really bother me. What bothered me most was not that his philosophy of life was foreign or bizzarre, but that it was a lot like mine. Throughout the multiple struggles I have faced over the past year alone I have felt little emotion - a tinge of sadness, but nothing meaningful. In the face of trials I echo, not pain or fear or sadness, but some version of what is now disonant theology; "God is in control so there is nothintg I can do," "why worry, it's in God's hands," "why fight God's will?" It's crazy how similar existentialism or nihilism and Christianity can sound. If God does have a will and plan that has been written before the foundation of the world - practically speaking - there is little difference. I must accept what is laid before me and concede to what I cannot control. To die today is as good as any other day (as the stranger acknowledges) if what lies ahead is either nothing or everything. In a thousand years the moments I hold onto will not matter - but be swallowed up by... eternity or nothingness. When I pressed some friends about what makes Christianity and Existentialism/nihilism different, the common response was hope. I thought about it. What is hope other than a life oriented around the not yet. It's a future fantasy that one hopes is strong and real enough to erase the present regrets. I hope to go to heaven because my life on earth was filled with ungodly acts, pain and guilt - which will be wiped away in eternity. I hope God brings me peace or stabilty or blessing because I'm not willing to do the work or pay the price to bring it about myself (ie... healing a relationship, sacrificing or changing my thought process.) Then I thought about that. Maybe the difference is regret. I can't regret what is or was because both are equally as meaningful/less as what is to be. If there is no significant difference between yesterday and tomorrow, right and left, up and down - all things being equal, I can't regret anything. If life is truly meaningless - I can't hope for what is better or regret what is not - it's all equal. Solomon figured that out a long time ago... sort of. After a while of dwelling on this idea I shook myself back into reality and said, "boy am I overanalizing this... what does it matter anyhow?!" And I kept on driving.

I love this song...

"A Man and a Woman"

Little sister
Don't you worry about a thing today
Take the heat from the sun

And little sister
I know that everything is not ok
But you're like honey on my tongue
True love never can be rent
But only true love can keep beauty innocent

But I could never take a chance
Of losing love to find romance
In the mysterious distance
Between a man and a woman
No I could never take a chance'
Cause I could never understand
The mysterious distance
Between a man and a woman

You can run from love
And if it's really love it will find you
Catch you by the heel
But you can't be numb for love
The only pain is to feel nothing at all
How can I hurt when I'm holding you?

And I could never take a chance
Of losing love to find romance
In the mysterious distance
Between a man and a woman

And you're the one, there's no-one else
And it makes me want to lose myself
In the mysterious distance
Between a man and a woman

Brown eyed girl across the street
On rue Saint Divine
I thought this is the one for me
But she was already mine
You were already mine

Little sister
I've been sleeping in the street again
Like a stray dog

And little sister
I've been trying to feel complete again
But you're gone and so is God
The soul needs beauty for a soul mate
When the soul wants, the soul waits

But I could never take a chance
Of losing love to find romance
In the mysterious distance
Between a man and a woman

For love and faith and sex and fear
And all the things that keep us here
In the mysterious distance
Between a man and a woman

You'll see
You'll see
How can I hurt when I'm holding you?

My Brother...

I can't begin to express how fun it has been to watch my boys become great friends. They share, they laugh togethether, they argue and then laugh... it reminds me so much of my brother and me.
One of the things that I have enjoyed most is watching Elijah idolize and immitate Caleb. He watches Caleb's every move, hangs on his every word and must follow him everywhere. If Caleb sits cross legged - Elijah will too. If Caleb laughs - Elijah follows. It's perfect adoration and immitation.
While I have most typically related to God as my Father, just recently I have been inspired by my boys to understand God through Jesus as my brother. I went back and read Ephesians 1 where Paul says that we are adopted by the Father and blessed with everything that ritefully belongs to Jesus. It made me wonder if I have a similar admiration and adoration for Jesus as Elijah has for Caleb? It made me wonder if I am at all fixated on immitating Christ?
As I meditated on this for a while, it made me recall the times we were young and someone would say, "you're just like your brother!" At the time I didn't appreciate it. I'm pretty sure my brother never appreciated it either. However, thinking of Jesus as my brother, I would love to hear someone say, "you remind me of your brother Jesus," or "you act just like your brother Jesus." Wouldn't that be cool? All it would take is watching His every move, hanging on His every Word and following Him completely.
In closing, it's amazing just how much I have learned about God through my boys.
Thanks guys.

a beacon on a hill...

Jesus said that one doesn't light a lamp and stick it under a bucket and a beacon on a hill cannot be hidden. Lately, I've felt a little like that beacon. Since the weather has gotten nice, I regularly come home to find my back yard filled with toddlers and moms. After a bit, the dads sometimes find their way down for a drink and a chat. Jocelyn has such a way of making people feel loved and special. She is such a wonderful mom that other moms seek her out for advice and support. Tonight, on about an hour notice, we had four families over for smores. It was wonderful. We all chatted and laughed until the kids got wobbly and had to get to bed.
I'm sure that there are christians that would say we are no different than any other neighbor and couldn't be considered a light until we share Jesus with them. However, I really believe that over the past four years our neighbors have felt a love and experienced a lifestyle that is so refreshing that it's filling that God-shaped hole we always hear about at revivals... at least a little. And I'm proud of that. I'm actually excited that God has decided to use us in our neighborhood. In fact, one of the couples that joined us tonight has asked us to lead them in a Bible study with a few mutual friends. I can't wait to see where God takes that opportunity.
I think the thing that strikes me most profound is that in my past I tried really hard to talk about my faith and the Bible and really prayed for my neighbors to come to faith. Yet, without the works (the open, genuine and inviting stuff) it was useless. I talked a lot about Jesus... but didn't look a whole lot like him. I still don't look a whole lot like him, but I'm trying. And He's honoring it. And it makes me smile.

a great day...

There are only a few places at which I feel I could ever have a great conversation with my dad. We had great conversations in his car while doing paper routes. We had a standing appointment every Sunday morning to deliver the 100 or so extra large Sunday papers. For some reason working side by side helped us talk. McDonalds egg mcmuffins, coffee and a hot chocolate had the same effect when the route was through. We also had some great talks over Seven 11 hot dogs; they were two for a buck and two big gulps made it just over $3. They were a tradition after a baseball game. We usually ate them in the car also. Dad's car was a magical place where personal things were shared. Today however, we were at my favorite talking spot; the golf course.
I took an unplanned trip home to Chicago just to make a tee time my brother hooked up for us with a client at a suburban golf course. Dad's miodisplastic syndrome has been really taking a toll on him and I didn't want to miss out on a chance to hit the links with him while he can still swing a club. We only made it 9 1/2 holes but they were great. I shot a 45... But as fulfilling as that was, the time in the cart with dad felt even better. We didn't talk about anything important. We just talked. Guys have a tendency to go weeks, months or even years without talking and then just pick right back up where they left off. I may be because we don't get too deep; but I like to think it's because we understand the value of time spent and connect deeper than words. I know it's probably a bunch of crap... But I like to believe it. After golf we grabbed some burgers and spent another 2 hours or so talking sports, work, friends and... Well nothing personal. But it was still a great day.
Come to think of it, I'm not sure if any of those early morning paper route conversations or fast food talks ever revealed anything deep about my dad or me. I just look back on those times with great nostalgia and a longing to recreate them with my dad before he's gone and my boys before they grow up.
I've read plenty of books and articles on guys, communications and the father/son relationship. I'm not sure if I'm any different than the personalities they all try to fix. And to be honest, in regards to my dad, I'm not sure I want to be fixed. It was just great to spend time with dad.
And when it comes time to deliver paper, recoup from a nine inning shut out or help my youngest fish his last ball out of the bond, maybe I'll be ready to share more than time.

Righteousness...

I read Matthew 5 today. Usually I'm encouraged and inspired by the beattitudes... mainly because I don't like to read far enough to get to the part about hate, lust and loving my enemies. However today I got stuck between the two.
Matthew 5:17-20 says,
"17"Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them. 18I tell you the truth, until heaven and earth disappear, not the smallest letter, not the least stroke of a pen, will by any means disappear from the Law until everything is accomplished. 19Anyone who breaks one of the least of these commandments and teaches others to do the same will be called least in the kingdom of heaven, but whoever practices and teaches these commands will be called great in the kingdom of heaven. 20For I tell you that unless your righteousness surpasses that of the Pharisees and the teachers of the law, you will certainly not enter the kingdom of heaven."
Make no mistake, God is not done with the OT law and it's expectations. I was always taught that the new covenant replaced the old one... that the law was for those under the law and we are under grace. No quite so. So I was challenged... which am I? Great or least in the kingdom? I do try to obey and I teach a lot. (To be honest, looking back, I've taught a lot of bad theology. And it's funny how arrogant I can be when I teach the Bible. Afterall, it is the infallible, divinely inspired Word of God - how could I (it) be wrong?)
At any rate, I've been more and more challenged lately to go back and really obey the Old Testament. It's pretty tough! But I find that if I focus on the OT also, it's a whole lot easier to obey the Jesus stuff of the NT... and vice-versa. Strange, almost as if God had something in mind?..?.. Huh.

Credit where credit is due...

All this time we thought Barry was on steroids.
I bet he's got Philippians 4:13 tattooed on his bicep.
Or maybe he's been calling on the ghost of the great bambino himself... thanks for giving credit where credit is due Barry.

Confession

When is the last time you spent time in confession? Not the confessional booth, actually sitting in prayer and searching your heart and mind for sin to confess and ask forgiveness for? When is the last time you heard a sermon on the value of confession? Not confessing one's faith or asking for forgiveness, but genuinely laying one's life open before God and other? You too? I wonder why we have lost the value and beauty of confession. Is it overconfident in our salvation? Arrogance? Business? Discomfort? Sin? Maybe we've been lead to believe that confession is what we do before conversion... after that we are made perfect,... right?
We got talking about the idea of confession in our couples group last night. As I began to present and explain a number of passages on confession I was reminded of how valuable it really is. When I am in the habit of confessing I pray more, trust God more, love my wife more, have more patience with my kids, and the list goes on. I'm not convinced that these results are anything profoundly spiritual - simply the natural result of living in the light. Living in the light ads accountability to my life. Vulnerability ads understanding, compassion, humility and a genuineness that strengthens ties and relationships. On the spiritual side, that which is confessed loses it's power over us. It is confession that cleanses us from a guilty conscience. It removes the self-imposed barriers between me and God. It places me in good standing with God and allows me to see His blessings and will more clearly.
So why don't we confess more often? It's not because we lack things to confess. What are we afraid of? Maybe the solution to shedding that Christian hypocrite label is not by trying harder but by confessing more.
At any rate, I tossed and turned a bunch last night thinking about what my life would look like if I could shed my pride and fear and live into the fullness of life that God has in mind for me through the gift of confession. It's still a bit uncomfortable.

I left my heart in... Guatemala

This is our little girl. She was supposed to be home months ago. I felt pretty connected to her before we visited in February, but afterward, I can't stop thinking about her. My wife is visiting again next week and I'm pretty jealous. I know that she needs the visit more... I just wish I could hold her again.
I keep praying that God would speed things up but the opposite has happened. I used to think I knew how prayer worked and had a lot of faith that my prayers would be answered. Now, all those passages that come to mind and easily roll of my tongue when counseling others struggling with unanswered prayers seem... well, insufficient; like a discouraging reminder that I'm not aligned with God's will.
However, throughout the process, I've been humbled and challenged about all my thrology. Everything I once stood so arrogantly on, I have been forced to throw out. And while most of my friends have tried to encourage me otherwise, it has been a really wonderful experience. I finally feel like I'm following Jesus. I'm sure one day I'll hold Micaiah in my arms and look back on today and think how foolish I was to think what I just wrote... but for today it will keep me following; waiting for the day when my prayers are answered.

The Bible, Debt and apathy

I've been thinking a lot about money, debt, savings and investing. The Bible says so much about good financial management but it seems that I've never before saw it... or at least cared to stop and think about it.

Romand 13:8 "Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for he who loves his fellowman has fulfilled the law."

Proverbs 22:7 "The rich rule over the poor, and the borrower is servant to the lender."

Exodus 22:25 "If you lend money to one of my people among you who is needy, do not be like a moneylender; charge him no interest."

Matthew 25:27Well then, you should have put my money on deposit with the bankers, so that when I returned I would have received it back with interest.

Deuteronomy 15:1 At the end of every seven years you must cancel debts.

Proverbs 22:26Do not be a man who strikes hands in pledge or puts up security for debts;

Luke 16:8"The master commended the dishonest manager because he had acted shrewdly. For the people of this world are more shrewd in dealing with their own kind than are the people of the light.

There are more... but that pretty much covers some of what's been bugging me. My wife asked me tonight, "what's the big deal about no debt? Doesn't everyone want to be financially independant?" I think she captured what I've been feeling... apathy. Along with everyone, I want to be financially independant. I want to be able to retire comfortably, give generously, and bless my children and grand children. But for some reason, like everyone else, I'm not convinced it's a possiblity. I don't earn enough. I can't just pay off my mortgage or car loan. I don't live extravegantly as it is - so where do I start? It's easier to just believe that debt is a reality for young families in America. Besides, compared to most people, we're doing well; we have no credit card debt, we only have one car payment, we have a healthy retirement account, and our home is appreciating well. So what's the big deal about no debt?

But something in me has been increasingly uncomfortable with settling for that. I'm still not sure I know what to do about it... but at least I know I want to do something.

Again, nothing profound or creative... just random thoughts of me.

starting fresh

I wish I could be as profound as my friend Keith or as creative as my friend Todd or as consistant as my wife... but since I can't I'll just settle random and self-centered. I've tried to do blogs before and found them to be a sick cross between throwing your own birthday party and that dream where I show up for Mrs. Ratner's third grade class in my underwear. Nevertheless, I keep attempting it... hoping to give birth to a brilliant thought or enlightening revelation. So again, since I can't be profound, creative or consistant, I'll be random as self-centered.